30 November, 2015. Madhunika
Be it your wedding, your sister’s wedding, friend’s wedding, daughter’s wedding or a long-distance friend’s second cousin’s wedding, weddings aren’t a new thing to Indians. From selecting the wedding invitation card to picking out the bridal wear, from finalizing the venue, to booking the musical band for the reception – we have seen it all.
With all the outfit selections, wedding card samples, rituals and the general drama that comes with weddings, more often than not you might find yourself at your wit’s end. Enter comic relief – the wedding folk. So, here is a list of people to watch out for, come wedding season.
1. The Mystery Man
This is the uncle who is always trying to tell you how you both are related. “Aren’t you Swathi’s mother-in-law’s brother’s grand-daughter?” “I am your mother’s second cousin’s wife’s brother.” In reality, nobody has a clue as to who he is. Is he from the bride’s side? Is he from the groom’s side? Or is he simply lost?
2. The Flashback
“You know, last time we saw you, you were still sucking your thumb.” Well, did you expect me to still be crawling around in a diaper? This is the relative who just cannot move on. For them, 10 years ago always feels like yesterday.
3. The Bride/Groom Hunter
“Have you seen Meena’s daughter? She is the perfect match for our Raju.” “Don’t you think it’s time to start planning her wedding? I hear Siva is looking for a daughter-in-law” This is that one aunty who has taken it upon herself to be the official matchmaker of the family. Henceforth, she is also to be avoided like the plague. Because, if she notices you, she will surely try to get you hitched.
4. The Seer
“You will be next!” “Soon I will be receiving your wedding invitation card.” This is that grandma/grandpa who thinks you ought to get married next. They make a hobby out of terrorizing single girls and boys at weddings – insisting they are next in line. Makes us want to do the same at funerals(offensive?). But, that would be crossing the line.
This is the family that was deliberately skipped in the guest list. They never got the wedding invitation card, but they turned up anyway. And, now that they are here – you are forced to pretend the invite must have gotten lost in the postal network. They know how to turn any kind of conversation into an awkward one. “Are you enjoying the band performance uncle?” “Of course, I am. Just imagine what I would have missed if Sneha didn’t tell me about the wedding. After all, you never sent me an invite.”
6. The Little Trouble Maker
The kid who just won’t stay still. Always running around, tripping people, breaking things, ruining decorations – the list goes on. And, what is worse – his parents have no idea how to control him. And, since it is a wedding, you cannot exactly run after him (owing to your elaborate attire), and neither can you chastise him (you have no idea who he is anyway).
7. The Foodie
That one person in every wedding, who is the first one in the dining hall for every meal. You can count on them to inform the other guests of meal-times. If you are a picky eater – they are your go to person for food suggestions. They are here for the food, and everyone knows it.
8. The Boss Man
This is usually the brother/father of the bride/groom. You can find them, more often than not – engaged in a life or death discussion over the phone. Most probably taking care of some last minute wedding arrangements. They are responsible for literally everything – did the chairs for the guest arrive on time, is there enough food, do we need more flowers? You name it – they know the answer.
9. The Photo-Groupies
“Hey, this light is amazing. Let’s click a picture here.” “Oh my God, it has been so long since we’ve met. Let’s take a selfie.” Their thirst to click pictures is never ending. They can mostly be found around the focus area of cameras, trying to inconspicuously sneak into pictures. One thing is for sure, there will be ample proof of their attendance at the end of the day.
10. The Fashion Police
This aunty is literally the fashion police at weddings. She wants to know everything.
“Didn’t you wear this sari at Lakshmi’s wedding?”
“Is that necklace 22 carat?”
“Have you seen Bhavna, she seems to be wearing her mom’s sari.”
When you wanted to wear your favorite shirt every day, as a child – she is the ‘people’ your parents warned you about. The ones who will spread the word that you only own one shirt.
11. The Navigator
“We’re at central avenue. Where do we take a turn now?”
“Wait, I’m putting George on the line.”
“Do you know the way from here onwards?”
“No, let’s call George. He’ll give us directions”
The one cousin, who gives everyone directions to the venue.
If not for him, half your family wouldn’t have made it to your wedding.